Should You Trap Your Husband Into Having Kids?

So you have walked down the aisle with your dream partner, had friends and family toast to your union and, months after the wedding, you start to hear the dreaded question: “Are you guys pregnant?” Months and years go by and still no baby! You start to avoid social gatherings for fear of constantly explaining yourself. But hey, it’s not you…your husband doesn’t want to have children…yet.

Usually before getting married, you and your potential spouse have serious discussions on topics such as the number of children you want to have, where you want to live, and so on. If you don’t agree on something as important as expanding your family, it could put a major strain on your relationship.

So you move in together after your honeymoon and he lets you know that he doesn’t want to have children. You try to have conversations with him to get to the root of why he doesn’t want kids and he doesn’t give you a definite reason – he just adamantly says that’s his decision and he’s sticking behind it. You feel like things are getting worse between you two and he insists that you stay on birth control. You’re frustrated and the idea of trapping him during your fertile window crosses your mind. But should you do it? Is it really worth it? What happens when you tell him that you’re pregnant and he doesn’t give you a positive response?

I have seen and heard of many relationships where men walk away from their partners because they aren’t ready to have children. If you trap your partner, he could decide to leave the relationship or he could pretend to be happy about the pregnancy. However, the “happiness” will be short-lived and he will soon suffer the effects of living with the fact that he is going to be a father when he is not ready for it. Instead of trying to force him into fatherhood, focus on communicating with him to find out the reasons for his decision and, if he’s not willing to compromise, it might be best for you to plan your next move.

From experience, the possible reasons why your man doesn’t want children include:

Fear of Responsibility: He feels like the baby will lead to new roles and responsibilities that he is afraid of taking on.
Financial Instability: He feels like he can not handle the costs that come with raising a child.
Relationship Uncertainty: He might not be sure that this relationship is really what he wants. He might feel like he didn’t live his full bachelor fantasy before the relationship or he might feel that you and him are not a long term match so he doesn’t want to have children to tie you to each other forever. It sounds harsh, but it happens.
He Just Doesn’t Want to Have Children. It just might be this simple. Children are not in his plans.

If you talk to him and he’s adamant that he never wants to have children then it’s time to consider one of the following options:

Couples who have been together a long time could consider seeing a therapist. A therapist can help flesh out the issue, offer some perspective, and lay out the best options for moving forward. Even if you’re sure you know the reasons why your husband doesn’t want kids, it might be easier to discuss the issue with a professional.
If breaking up is not something you want to do, there might be a few ways to compromise. For example, you could look into temporarily fostering a child to see if it ignites your partner’s parental instinct. This could be a great option because placements are temporary and can let you both see what it’s like to be parents without making a permanent decision.
If none of the above options work, it’s time to drop the BOMB! Consider yourself. What do you want? If you really want to have your own children then you can’t wait forever. Female fertility drops significantly after the age of 35 – it’s a sad reality but it’s true. You might have to consider leaving him and finding someone whose visions and desires align with yours. Let him go so he can also find someone that wants the same things he does. You both deserve to be happy – even though it might be extremely difficult and painful to end the relationship.

How to prevent this problem in your next relationship:

Bring up your desires to have children whenever you feel comfortable, but do it sooner rather than later. It never feels like the perfect time to discuss a sticky subject, so be prepared to feel awkward no matter how you approach the conversation.

Related Topics: Childless Couples, Childless Marriage, What To Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want To Have Children