When I was younger, I had a pretty simplistic view on relationships that involved the naive belief that if you’re in a good relationship then that person would never hurt you and they would dedicate their lives to making sure that you are happy and cared for. Any small issues that a friend would encounter in a relationship would result in my girlfriends and I telling the friend to leave the relationship and find someone who would never hurt them.

Now that I am in my thirties and I have been through some things, I have started to understand how complex human beings are and how this can, in turn, affect even the best of relationships.

Like many people around the world, I have a complicated relationship with my mother caused by a few things that occurred in my childhood. For years now, my mother has apologized over and over to me about a traumatic event from my past that I felt that she could have helped me with and she has put in the work to right the wrongs of the past. Although I have told her that I forgave her, I bring it up again every now and then. Recently, I brought it up again and she said something that really stood out to me. She said, “I have always loved you and I regret that I hurt you and I ask that you accept my apologies and move forward with whatever gracious space you can give.”

For some reason, this statement stopped me in my tracks because it made me realize that I had been torturing my mother for years over something that she had repeatedly apologized for. Now she was asking me to move forward with grace for her. This statement tugged at my heart. Why? Because we all deserve to be shown grace every once in a while.

None of us are perfect but if someone can recognize and acknowledge that they hurt you while wanting to do better and actively put in the effort to restore the relationship, you might consider showing them grace and forgiving them for the wrong that they did. Of course, this is subjective to specific situations because not all situations are the same. Sometimes you might need to cut some people off and move forward with your life, but in situations where you see a genuine apology and a desire to change for the better, it might be worth it to forgive and let it go.

Here are 4 lessons I have learned about forgiveness in relationships:

1. If you choose to forgive the person then you have to let it be and you can’t keep bringing the situation up over and over again. It is not productive to keep reminding the person of what they did to hurt you if they genuinely apologize and you choose to accept the apology and forgive them.
2. Don’t say “it’s okay” just to close off an argument. If it’s not okay, then don’t say it is. You would rather say that you need time to think or you need some space to cool off or think about the situation further before you can talk about it in detail.
3. Forgiveness involves being gracious. Grace isn’t given on merit but is, instead, given out of kindness and understanding. When someone is gracious it doesn’t mean that you necessarily deserve it but they have given it to you anyway. We need to remember to extend grace to others because one day we might find ourselves also needing someone to extend us the same grace.
4. Sometimes you can forgive and choose to let the relationship go. This is a very important point because not all relationships need to be salvaged after you forgive the other person. Rather, some relationships are toxic and unproductive so it could be better for you to forgive and let the relationship go.

Related topics: Forgiveness, How do i forgive someone that has hurt me?, How to move on? , Is Forgiveness a sign of weakness?