The topic of effort in a relationship is a tricky one because, more often than not, people know deep down when someone doesn’t value them. The phrase “he’s just not that into you” has been a popular one since the movie on the topic came out in 2009. After watching the movie, many women began to question whether or not they were in meaningful relationships or if, instead, they were just place holders until the guy they were dating found the woman that he actually wanted to be with.

In my experience, if you feel that a man isn’t that into you it’s usually one of two things:

1. He’s actually not that into you.
2. He doesn’t know how to love you the way that you want to be loved.

If a man isn’t into you, you can usually tell by the amount of effort that they put into both you and the relationship. Does he rarely call you or check up on you? Does he usually make excuses for not being able to hang out? Does he usually only call you for a late-night booty call? Is he emotionally unavailable when you try to communicate with him? If you answered yes to these questions then, chances are that your man isn’t that invested in the relationship.

One of the most powerful things that a woman can do is to realize her worth. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be appreciated, your feelings matter – do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you feel like a man doesn’t put much effort into your relationship and you are the one that does most of the work, then it’s time to have a conversation with him and explain what your emotional and physical needs are.

It’s important to stay calm during this conversation (angry screams or dramatic tears might not help your case) and to explain to your partner where you feel he could put more effort and give him examples of how this could be done. Maybe you’d like him to call or text you more often so that you feel like he cares or maybe you’d like him to initiate hangouts for the two of you. Be clear about what you would like and explain why those things are meaningful to you.

It might take him a little bit of time to fully understand and get the swing of things but it’s important that you show him appreciation every time that he tries! If he still doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to try then you’ll know that it’s time to hit the road and find another guy that will appreciate you and respect your feelings.

As mentioned earlier, sometimes men are just clueless and don’t know how to love you. Don’t fall for the lie that “if a man loves you then he’ll know how to show you.” Trust me when I say, men can be totally clueless. What is common sense to us women sometimes just doesn’t click to them.

Oftentimes, you just have to spell out exactly what you want so that he knows. I have a cousin who had been dating a guy for a few months and they were talking about getting more serious. One day, she came to visit me and told me that she was done with the guy because Valentine’s Day had come and gone, and the guy hadn’t done anything special for her or even reached out to her.

I asked her if she had told the guy that she wanted to do something on Valentine’s Day and whether she explained to him that the day in general meant something special to her. She said that she hadn’t told him anything because she thought that he should “just know these things”. I had to explain to her that men aren’t mind readers.

If the day was an important one for her, it might not be an important one for him so she should have let him know beforehand that she wanted to do something special. Sure enough, when they later talked about it, they realized that it was all a big misunderstanding.

I follow a popular Kenyan influencer and media personality called Murugi Munyi (@murugi.munyi on Instagram) and she says that, in order to avoid disappointment, she always sends reminders to her husband ahead of special days such as her birthday, Christmas or even Valentine’s Day. This way, she knows that he won’t forget and he’ll try to make the day special for her. She also said that she sends him a list of potential presents that she’d like to receive to make his gift search easier and to avoid the awkwardness of receiving presents that she doesn’t like! This is genius!

Don’t be afraid to say exactly what you want, how you want it, and where you want it! As all relationship experts say, the key to a successful relationship is communication, communication, and more communication!