“I don’t think we are compatible but we have great chemistry.” That’s how Stacey started off our girls’ brunch last weekend. Stacey and Mike have been together for 2 years now and honestly, from the outside looking in, they seem quite happy. Personally, I couldn’t understand what she meant by them not being compatible… they’ve been together for 2 years! What is compatibility anyway?! Isn’t love all we need? This conversation gave me a lot to think about.

First, it’s important to understand what compatibility means in terms of a relationship. Compatibility in a relationship simply means being on the same page with your partner, i.e having similar life goals and respecting each other’s beliefs, feelings, and thoughts. It also includes not forcing changes on your partner. To sum it up, compatibility is about being in sync with your partner so you are able to last long term.

Chemistry is often mistaken for compatibility because it almost feels like the same thing. Chemistry is what attracts us to each other. That spark or sexual tension you feel when you lock eyes with someone at an event – that’s chemistry. But compatibility is way more than that. The adrenaline rush doesn’t last forever and, with time, the chemistry starts to wear off. This is why it’s important to be compatible – so that your relationship can stand the test of time.

In my quest for more info on compatibility, I found the Mel Robbins Show and, in one of the episodes, she hosted the renowned therapist Dr. Spirit to talk about compatibility and Dr. Spirit talked about the five types of intimacy as indicators of compatibility. Your relationship doesn’t necessarily need to have all five indicators because each couple is different. However, these indicators might help you as an individual to understand your needs and what type of partner you might be most compatible with.

Here are the types of intimacy in relation to compatibility:

• Recreational intimacy.

This kind of intimacy allows the couple to spend time doing activities together. For example, an adventurous person would be more compatible with someone that likes the outdoors than with someone who likes to stay at home. If they met a person who preferred to stay indoors all the time, they might be happy for a while, but they’d probably start to miss their hobbies and wish they had adventurous opportunities to bond as a couple. Recreational intimacy equals recreational compatibility.

• Intellectual intimacy.

The couple should be able to share conversations about their dreams, fears, goals, etc. and openly share their feelings. This helps to build trust and strengthen the bond between the couple. Talking to each other shouldn’t feel like a chore and, if it does, that’s probably a red flag.

• Spiritual intimacy.

Many would entirely base this around religion but spiritual intimacy doesn’t only refer to similar religious beliefs. It’s also about connecting with your spouse on a deeper level through whatever channel you choose. It could be through church, meditation, or even nature. This is why some interfaith relationships are able to thrive. Spiritual intimacy helps the couple to understand each other’s spiritual needs which is very important.

• Emotional intimacy.

This is where couples engage in deep conversations about how they really feel. I like to look at this as unmasking yourself to your partner to let them see you. Emotional intimacy allows your partner to fully see and accept you as you are. It feels great when you and your partner are on the same emotional wave length.

• Sexual intimacy.

This is the type of intimacy that allows partners to have sex and explore each other’s physical needs and desires. You should be able to talk freely with your partner about your sexual preferences since sex is an integral part of relationships and helps couples to become even closer.

We are often misled by chemistry and we overlook all the signs of incompatibility with the partner we choose. Sometimes it’s because we are too familiar with particular patterns or the people we choose have created a persona we feel compatible with but they can only hide who they really are for so long. When people pretend to be someone that they’re not in a relationship, it leads to one-sided relationships because, in the end, one person is putting in more effort than the other or sacrificing what they really want.

Compatibility doesn’t mean being your partner’s perfect match. Rather, it means wanting similar things in life and being able to compliment each other. Your dreams and goals should align. For example, you should both agree on whether or not you want kids and when you will have them. A couple that is compatible will most likely enjoy their relationship more because it won’t feel like work all the time.

Related Topics:  intimacy and compatibility, couple goals