A few months ago I wrote my first version of A Guide To Dealing With A Breakup and by that time I was in a happy and “healthy” relationship. Don’t get me wrong, everything in the article was true and it does happen, but after experiencing a heart break of my own recently, it was only fair that I write it again and this time from experience. I have been dumped before but it was easier then because I felt like I had time.

I turned 27 this year. I know everyone will say that I am still young but the panic set in, that voice that whispers “Girl, you are getting older” but I was excited because I thought that this relationship was it for me. I had so much faith in this person and relationship. The panic years were coming to an end and at least I had found my soulmate or so I thought. Me and my now ex were close friends for a while but things changed into something else along the way.

Fast forward to the breakup, y’all I have never been as dumbfounded as I was the day this person called me to say that it was over. I almost fainted. The most logical response for me would be to cry immediately but I burst out laughing in disbelief. I thought to myself “What happened to all the plans we had?” Was any of this ever real?, What the fuck is happening to me?’’ Sisters, when I tell you I couldn’t breathe for like 10 minutes, believe. I couldn’t believe that someone I had trusted with everything I had could hurt me like that. It was a very tough time and there were lessons to be learned.

I know you must be thinking, how could you be so naive at your big age? I also wish I had the answer to that, but I don’t. I was so immersed in the relationship that I didn’t realize I was in it alone for the longest time. I used to think denial was more like just saying that it can’t be over and trying to talk to the person but hey, your girl couldn’t eat or sleep. I decided that if I show up and give him reasons to see what kind of woman he would be missing out on he would change his mind and stay. These things really mess with your brain, I started to see this person’s car everywhere and people that looked like him. I was afraid I was losing my mind.

One thing that’s for sure that I learnt was that healing is not linear and the process is not streamlined. I had days where I went through all the emotions at once. I felt like I was over it and ready to step into my bad bitch era, then I went through denial, then I talked myself into feeling that the relationship was over and I should accept it and move on. There were days I just sat in the darkness with all my feelings unable to understand if I was angry, sad, over it, or if I just wanted the person back.

The hardest thing for me was to open up and talk to people about it. I had started “my manning” all over the place and I didn’t know how my friends were going to react. I always told my friends that he was different. I believed that he was at the moment. One day, I opened up to my boss about it and she was very supportive. To be honest I was afraid of telling her at first but y’all a lot had been happening and we both needed that ear to vent. She gave me some of the best advice and she understood where I was coming from. Never be afraid to talk. Sitting with all the emotions of a breakup can drive you crazy!

Believe people when they tell you who they are. I was so hung up on who this person used to be and stuck on the image of the life I thought we could build together but that is not who they are anymore. They had changed. The person before me was not who they were at the beginning of the year, the person that was here now was a liar and a cheat and I had to acknowledge that. People change and grow and that’s okay but we need to learn to understand ourselves too. Are we willing to love the person for who they are now? Or are we still stuck on who they used to be or what we hoped they could be.

I have decided to be intentional about my healing and growth. It’s a hard journey for sure but once you start to do the work and start to love the parts of yourself you thought were broken you realize that maybe if you took the time to show up for yourself the way you did for others, you’d be okay. That toxic twitter thread where men spoke about the phase where they started to hate their girlfriends was crazy, it scared me and I guess gave me the closure I needed.

Ladies, the no contact rule is a gem. It was hard for me at first because, despite what this person had done, I still wanted them back. I wanted the plans I had for my future with him back. I felt that if we stopped talking I would lose him forever. Going no contact was probably the best decision I ever made, it gives you time to hear yourself think. You start to see what your life could be if you also choose yourself instead of waiting to be chosen. Don’t beg a man to love you and above all never fight another woman for a man. I have realized that what is for you will always find you no matter what. Your energy is too precious to be accessible by everyone.

My final thoughts on this is that there is no proper way to deal with a break up and our emotions don’t follow any particular pattern. One day you’re on top of the world and the next you can’t get out of bed. Allow yourself to feel these emotions but don’t stay down for too long. Do the work on yourself and level up. Get on that fitness journey, go back to school, start that business. The funniest thing here is that in the beginning all of this starts as a revenge plan to prove your worth but as time goes by, you start to own the journey you have chosen and love it. You wake up in the morning and look at the mirror and you start to see the changes you have made paying off and you are so proud of yourself and believe it or not they start to see it too. Start to show up as the best version of yourself for yourself. And to all the ladies dealing with a break up right now, I can proudly say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. We will be okay!

Related Topics: breakups, what do i do after a breakup? What was your last breakup like? How to heal after a breakup?