When I look back at my dating experiences in my twenties, all I can think of is one word: struggle. It quite literally is that simple. Yes, there were some good dating experiences but, for the most part, the situation wasn’t that great.

The older and wiser I get, I realize that I was pretty naïve in my twenties and life really showed me how tough dating experiences can be. You see, the more experiences we have, the more we learn (if we choose to) about who we really are, what we want, and what we don’t want in a potential relationship. Here are 7 lessons I learned about dating in my twenties:

1. You can’t make someone love you. You just can’t. No matter how much you show him that you’re funny, a great cook and are able to do the splits during a raunchy sex session, if he doesn’t want (or love) you, then he doesn’t. I wasted so much time trying to show a few of my exes my potential to be an amazing girlfriend and future wife to them when they kept showing me signs that they really weren’t interested in a serious relationship with me. I had to reach a point and decide that I was no longer going to “audition” for the role of the main girl in a man’s life.
2. Men can sense desperation from a mile away. The funny thing is I’ve seen many women (me included) think that they’re being slick and that the guy won’t notice the desperate games that they are playing but, trust me when I say that men can see it. They can tell that you’re trying to use a different route so that you bump into them accidentally. They can see that you really want to settle down and you’ll do anything to claim the role of being his official girlfriend or wife. Even though you try to pretend that you don’t care and you’re just going with the flow, he can tell by your subtle actions that you’re actually desperate.
3. Self-love is the best love. I know you’ve heard this cliché statement a few times but it’s true. Once you fully understand your worth and potential, it will save you from a lot of heartache because you won’t put up with utter nonsense in romantic relationships. When you love yourself, you will automatically exude confidence and the people around you will be forced to approach you with the level of respect that your presence demands. The less love you have for yourself, the less confidence you’ll have which will in turn cause you to settle with a man that doesn’t deserve you.
4. A lack of vulnerability only leads to surface level relationships. I understand that the dating world can be brutal so it’s natural to want to protect yourself from being hurt by closing off the more vulnerable side of you. However, there’s only so far a relationship can go if two people don’t REALLY know each other. If both of you run away from discussing vulnerable topics such as your dreams, fears, past traumas, etc. then is it really a genuine relationship? A crucial part of any romantic relationship is true friendship.
5. There’s a difference between love and lust. I know this seems straightforward but so many young women enter casual situationships where the plan is to just have sex and hang out casually with a guy then, at a certain point, the women start getting feelings and now start asking the dreaded question “What are we?”. This, in turn, causes the guys to back off because, in their minds, they’re wondering why you’re asking that when you had both agreed at the beginning to keep things “casual”. The lesson here is don’t think that getting physical with a man will eventually make him fall for you. Many guys can have casual sex with women that they don’t have any feelings for, so if you know that you can’t handle a casual situationship, spare yourself the heartbreak.
6. People are complex…and they change. For many years, I was able to place people in categories of “good” and “bad” but I eventually evolved to understand the complexity of human beings. Therefore, when you’re in a relationship with someone, be willing to understand that they have layers of complexity that you will continually be peeling away. The person might change their stance on a certain political matter or might want to change their career path entirely. Many of us get caught up complaining that someone has changed or they’re not who you originally thought they were. You need to either be able to accept the new version of who someone has evolved to be or to decide to part ways.
7. If a man really loves you, he won’t want you to suffer. This might sound a little controversial but, if a man really cares about you and loves you, he won’t be comfortable watching you suffer. So many women are out here taking care of grown ass men who are lazy and these men see their women struggling but don’t help them. A man who truly loves you cannot watch you pay all the bills and be at peace. A man who truly loves you cannot watch you handle the weight of childbearing and childrearing while sitting back with his legs up. Men are naturally providers and they want to “fix” your problems and provide you with solutions. If a man doesn’t care whether you are struggling (physically, financially, emotionally, etc.) or not then chances are that he doesn’t really love you.

Related Topics: dating in your twenties; what was your dating experience like in your twenties; should dating in your twenties be for marriage