I am someone who, growing up, always had lots of friends and have always been an outgoing, extrovert that could easily get along with people while being the life of the party. One could say that I have always had a charismatic personality that naturally pulled people in. There were even several years in my late teens and early twenties where I wasn’t as close to my family and I considered my friends to be my “chosen family” because of how well we got along.

Something that we are never prepared for is how fast your friendship circle, and friendships in general, can deteriorate. One minute you are all having the best time of your lives and going out every weekend to university parties, and the next minute you just don’t get each other anymore. Nothing is more awkward than that underlying tension that you begin to feel with someone who you thought would be your bestie for life. Things stop flowing like they used to, you start to feel like she is not really that happy for you when you get a great job, a promotion, get into a great romantic relationship, or buy your first home.

All of a sudden, you no longer want to call that friend up anymore to let them know about any good (or bad) moments in your life because deep down (even though you might now want to admit it) you know that they are no longer happy for you and are no longer on your side. This, my friend, is such a tough pill to swallow and it can honestly be heartbreaking.

Then there are the friends who you just no longer align with. I had a friend who was there for me in a very tough time during my mid twenties. She took me under her wing and went above and beyond to be there for me and to help me in ways that I can honestly never forget. Fast forward to a couple years ago when I was in my early thirties and I started realizing that I did not like being around her anymore because life had turned her into a bitter, pessimistic person who was always complaining about how unhappy she was with her life but she continually chose not to better herself and courageously take the steps that she needed to in order to live the life that she actually wanted to live. We kept the friendship chugging along but, now in hindsight, I think that we both became toxic for each other. I found myself being mean to her and making snide remarks all the time because, if I was being honest, I did not like or understand the version of her that she had become. The friendship eventually fell apart and we went our separate ways. At first I was devastated because she had chosen to stop talking to me without any explanation, but after a little while I realized that I actually did not miss her and I was relieved that the friendship was over because her energy no longer aligned with mine and I was tired of pretending that everything was okay.

As we enter our thirties, many of us experience a shift in our priorities. We experience a change in values and in what we deem as important in our lives and a lot of our decisions emulate the deep inner changes that we undergo during that time. All of a sudden we are faced with the shocking reality that we are not in fact invincible and that life does not last forever. We begin to see the importance of meaningful connections and we start to see that we need to focus more on our futures and how we can actually make the dreams and visions of our hearts to become our reality.

Some people might choose to focus on their entrepreneurial journeys while others might delve into advancing their careers or on the academic paths that might help to advance their careers such as Masters or PhD programs. Others might choose to completely change their career paths altogether. As these changes take place, people might begin to realize that the circle of friends they previously had no longer fits with who they want to be today or in the future. For example, the entrepreneurial journey is not for the faint of heart and requires a certain level of resilience and tenacity. When you embark on this journey, sometimes the friends around you are constantly making jabs about how busy you are now and how you think that “you’re all that” now that you own a business. Do not be surprised if those same friends choose to never support any business idea that you have and now talk behind your back and make you feel like an outsider.

The truth is that when you choose to level up in your life, people around you will drop away because you are a constant reminder of the things that they are not achieving in their own lives. Years ago, you guys used to dream together about how you were all going to be big shots in your careers one day and now you are the only one actually making strides to achieve your dreams. They might start to feel resentment and jealousy towards you for taking the leap of faith (and putting in the work) to go after what you want.

This does not just apply to entrepreneurs. It also applies to other career and education advancement opportunities, getting married, starting a family, moving to a new country to start a new life, and so on. Whichever path you choose to go on, there will always be people in your life that feel a certain type of way about it because they begin to ask themselves questions like Why her and not me? Who does she think she is to go that route? The rest of us are on this path so why does she think that she is better than us and should go on that other path?

You might wake up one day and realize that many of the friends that you used to get along with are now negative Nancies who love to call each other and gossip about other people’s marital problems while also negatively commenting on other people’s lives, careers, social media presence, etc. The older I get, the more I realize that life is complicated and everyone experiences its ups and downs. I ended up leaving a circle of friends because I realized that I couldn’t be in a group that was constantly talking smack about other people’s lives when my own life had its own problems. My own relationship had its ups and downs. My own business was stressing me out. I now realize that people like to gossip about the negative aspects of other people’s lives as a form of consolation for their own suffering. However, I did not want to become complacent in the tough moments of my life. Rather, I wanted to soar above them and defeat them, and the only way I was going to do that was to be around people who also chose to live optimistic, courageous, and authentic lives. People who chose to reinvent themselves and to continually strive to grow and learn from their mistakes and from life in general.

Here are 5 lessons I have learned about friendships in my thirties:

1. Do not be afraid to make new friends. Sometimes we hold onto friends because we have known them since childhood or high school and we love the thought of saying “We have been friends for over fifteen years”. However, what is the point of holding onto long term friendships that are toxic or no longer represent the person that you have evolved into?
2. You can have different friends for different purposes. Sometimes it is unfair of us to put all expectations on one friend. Not every friend can be the friend that you need to go to for career talk, relationship advice, political debates, and deep spiritual discussions. It is okay to have friends that you go to for different things. You can have entrepreneur friends or mom friends and still keep your other friends if you are at different seasons of your lives.
3. Invest in therapy. This is a tough lesson that I have learned the hard way. It is unfair of you to dump all your problems on your friends and spend hours a day making them listen to you and dissect them. After the first couple of times, it can start becoming an emotional burden for them and they might start avoiding your calls. Yes, it is good to talk about your breakup with your friends but if you are calling them to discuss it for hours on end every day, it might be time for you to start seeing a therapist on a regular basis instead.
4. Friendships require communication, just like romantic relationships do. Do not just cut friends off without a conversation. If you are able to continually talk things through with men that you are dating while giving them 10 million chances, why not also give your friendships a chance? Sometimes you need to show your friends grace and give them the benefit of the doubt – which can only be done when you are able to communicate honestly and openly.
5. It is okay to grow apart. Not all friendships end dramatically and badly. Sometimes people just grow apart and are no longer heading in the same direction…and that is okay.

Related Topics: Friendships, When do I know it’s time to let go of my friends? Dealing with emotions of outgrowing friends, Friendship Dynamics