Hi Peach and Flora!!!

I love your content btw! 🙂 I’ve been reading your posts and I know that I should know my worth and walk away if a man doesn’t treat me the way I should be treated but my situation is a bit complicated and I would like your advice. I know he really cares about me and we have such a good time together but he always tells me that he never wants to get married and doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. We hook up and hang out like we are together and I have met a few of his friends and he has met some of mine but we aren’t technically in a relationship. I feel like we have such an amazing connection and we can talk for hours while laughing and having a good time. It has been around 1 year that we have been seeing each other and I’m not sure if I should bring up the subject of commitment again or not. I am 29 and he is 37. 

Samantha

Hi Samantha,

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story! If you follow us on Instagram then you might have seen a recent quote that we shared which said, “A closed mouth is a closed destiny.” Meaning, you need to verbalize what you want. Say it with your chest, Sis! Say it with your chest!

However, some precaution needs to be taken. In your case, the man has continually told you that he’s not looking for anything serious and doesn’t want a commitment. I don’t know why it’s hard for us women to accept bad feedback – I use the word “feedback” because, for some reason, when a man says that he doesn’t want a commitment in general, us women take it personally and think that he’s saying that he doesn’t want ME. Then we embark on the journey of showing him why we are worthy of love, why we are a hot catch, what we offer that the next woman won’t and so on. It’s as if he has given you negative feedback on your hair or your work and you can’t accept that there’s anything about you that is less than amazing.

The problem is that if a man is not interested in settling down, it might not have anything to do with you (but it COULD also be that he doesn’t want to be with you if we’re being honest). Maybe he had a recent horrible breakup which he’s now traumatized about or maybe he just wants to be a player out in these streets. You doing backflips to show him that you’re the best performer at the circus probably won’t change his mind.

Since you’re already in deep and have given him one year of your time, I would recommend that you have a mature, calm conversation with him BUT do NOT ask him the dreaded question of “What are we?” or “Where do you see this relationship going?” The reason why I don’t think you should ask these questions is because he will respond by saying that he has already told you that he doesn’t want a commitment.

Rather, you need to act like you know that YOU are the prize and you know what you deserve. How do you do this? By having a calm conversation where you tell him matter of factly that you have realized that you both want different things – you want a commitment and he doesn’t – so you think it’s best that the two of you go your separate ways. Tell him that you wish him the best and it’s time for you to leave the situationship that you two have going on. Then walk away. That’s it. No calls. No texts. No telling him that you forgot your handkerchief at his apartment. You have to leave.

This will show him that you are a high value woman who doesn’t beg for a relationship. You know your worth, you know what you want, and you are confident that you will find what you are looking for.

The problem with many women is that they have a scarcity mindset when it comes to relationships. They don’t want to let go of the dysfunctional situationship that they have because they’re scared that they might not find another man in the tough dating world. For you to get a good man (and not just settle with any man), you have to change your mentality from that of a scarcity mindset to an abundant mindset. You have to honestly believe that there is a great man out there for you and, once you realize this, you will no longer put up with men that refuse to give you even the basics – like a commitment.

Once you leave, be prepared to never hear from him again. Don’t stalk him on social media; it’s time to move on. If he realizes that you were the best thing since sliced bread and he was a fool to ever let you go and comes back begging for a commitment with you, then it’s up to you to decide whether you want to proceed with a relationship with him. However, don’t leave expecting him to come chasing after you because he might not.

I hope that helps!

Related topics: Commitment, How do you know that he doesn’t want to commit?, Dealing with situationships, Commitment in relationships, Commitment issues, Situationship rules, Situationships vs relationship