“If you have sex with a guy on the first date he will think you are a hoe. Don’t do it…but also don’t withhold it for too long because he might get bored.”

I’m sure that in your lifetime you have heard some advice along these lines. Whether you have applied it or not is a different story but, hey, no judgment here. Sex is a big deal but, if I really like a guy and I’m feeling it, then why can’t I have sex with him on the first date? After all, men do it all the time.

I was having this discussion with a guy friend of mine and he said, “For men, sex will always be just sex. That’s why some men can cheat on the women they love and still honestly love them. For most of us men, sex is about fun and pleasure and we’ll have it with a variety of girls until we find a woman that we actually fall in love with and want to settle down with.” I guess he was just giving me his opinion from a man’s perspective. Not sure how I feel about being cheated on by a man I love because ‘sex is just sex’ though.

So should you have sex on the first date? Let me start off by saying that it is not for everyone. Here’s the thing: one man’s meat is another man’s poison. I.e. what works for one person might not work for another. The key here is to have a high level of self awareness and emotional intelligence to recognize whether you are the type of woman that can handle having sex on a first date without expecting a man to propose the next morning. I’m kidding…but also not.

I was recently listening to a poem on Tiktok and it made me realize that sex means different things to different people and to some people it’s just plain physical. As women, we tend to be emotional and can easily become attached. Most of us from a young age have learned to believe that love and sex go hand in hand. I believed that too for the longest time, but after the experiences I have had in these streets, I beg to differ.

I am one of those people that believe that, if I meet a guy and we have a connection, he can get some on the first date. Why? Because why not scratch that itch and have a little fun every once in a while? If you’re looking for a good time then, by all means, go right ahead! And you never know where the good time might lead you – he could end up being the one (of course, this is not guaranteed).  If I am being honest though, if the first date is with a man I have been checking out for a while, I don’t think I would give it up on the first date. I would prefer to keep that element of mystery and play it cool but not too cool for me to end being friend zoned or “loved like a sister”. Again, you need to know the kind of person that you are. If you are the kind of person who looks for a commitment after the first date, then sex on the first date probably isn’t for you.

I got a chance to read Sherry Argov’s book Why Men Marry Bitches and there was an interesting principle in it that states, “Every guy knows he can find a girl who is simply satisfied with satisfying him. They are much more turned on by a woman who cares about her own pleasure as well.” Sis, if you meet this man and you are wearing a matching set and hoping that it happens, don’t be shy…go for it. Men like a woman who is confident and knows what she wants – whether that is to have sex on the first date or not. Whatever you decide, be confident in your decision.

If you’re someone who is actively looking for a relationship then I probably wouldn’t sex on the first date because it could result in one of three outcomes: 1) He could stick around and give the relationship a chance; 2) he might ghost you after that first night; or 3) he might choose to keep you around and continue sleeping with you until he is ready to move on to the next person. I have experienced all the above scenarios and all I can say is be prepared for any of the three outcomes.

If you are looking for a relationship and you feel that sex on the first date might jeopardize that then don’t do it. I feel like we have attached so much weight to sex that we have blurred the line between sex and love. Sex doesn’t equal love and love doesn’t equal sex. I feel like the two can exist independently and we could still get the best of both.

I also want to say that there is no harm in waiting if that’s what works best for you. We live in an over-sexualized culture where sex is literally everywhere but you should never feel pressured to do something that you don’t want to do. Be true to who you are and you will eventually meet someone that accepts and loves you for who you are. If a man tries to pressure you to sleep with him on the first date then that’s definitely a red flag.

There are so many theories on why you should or shouldn’t be having sex on the first date but I think it all comes down to you as a person. There are people that have sex on the first date and make it to wifey status (e.g. Chrissy Teigen who snagged a whole John Legend!) and there are those that are ghosted the minute the steamy session is done. Men really be wilding in these streets so you need to be prepared for anything.

Related topics: sex on the first date, is it okay to have sex on the first date?, first date, what do guys think about sex on the first date, is sex on the first date good or bad?