Hi Peach and Flora,

My partner (44yrs) and I (35yrs) have been dating for 1.5 years. He is an extremely charming man and fits a good number of qualities I desire in a man. Since this relationship began, he has never been the kind of man that calls you up to check if you’re doing well, if you slept well or even when he knows you’re unwell…he won’t check up on me until I reach out. He’s not the kind who will surprise you on your birthday. My boyfriend likes to put blame on me whenever we have a misunderstanding, he always makes it seem like I am the one in the wrong and I have to keep apologizing.

He is a business man and is very passionate about his business, when I call him up he many times seems engaged and later responds saying he’s really busy with work and has a lot going on in his company. I feel like he puts his company before me. I envision a future with him as my husband and I hope to have children with him. I have been patient all this time believing that he will change and start to put in effort but he doesn’t seem to improve. He doesn’t speak of this “future” with me! Am I being a fool? Am I in this relationship alone? Shall he ever change at his age?

Thanks,

Mary Anne

Dear Mary Anne,

Thanks for reaching out! I completely understand your dilemma and have personally experienced how emotionally draining and discouraging it can be to have a man who puts in little to no effort.

The truth is that men can be utterly selfish. They tend to think about their needs first and prioritize themselves over anything else. If we’re not careful as women, we can find ourselves being placed on the back burner as our men live their best lives.

The first piece of advice I’d give you is to put YOU first. If he’s putting himself first, do the same! Focus on what makes you happy – whether that might be your work, a creative idea that you have, fun activities with your closest friends, or any other personal hobbies you might have. When your life is full, you’ll stop waiting around as much for him. I know that when you go to bed at night, you might still think about him and his lack of effort but at least you won’t look like you’re desperately waiting around for him.

Secondly, tell him how you feel. Nothing will ever change if you don’t tell him your truth and let him know that you’re not happy. Try not to be overly emotional when telling him your needs. Be confident and talk in a straightforward and matter of fact manner to show that you have emotional intelligence. You can also give him examples of how you’d like him to take more initiative in your relationship.

Lastly, if he still doesn’t make any changes, it’s time to implement the No Contact Rule. The No Contact Rule involves you cutting all communication with your man (or your ex if it’s after a breakup) for a minimum of 30 days. Depending on your situation, you can choose to continue your no contact period for more than 30 days though we would not recommend doing less than 30 days. During this time, do not initiate any contact with him. This means no text messages, no phone calls, no meeting up with him – nothing! Completely disappear from his life to show him how his life would be without you. Implementing the No Contact Rule could have one of two outcomes:

1) Your man could realize that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him and he needs to put in more effort to get you back and keep you.

2) Your man might disappear and not come back at all.

Regardless of which of the two outcomes you encounter, it would still be a win for you. Either you get the man you love back or he walks away from you and you realize he wasn’t the one meant for you so you can move on and find a much better man!

All the best!

Read more about The No Contact Rule

Read our article He’s Just Not That Into You: When a Man Doesn’t Put Effort Into a Relationship

Related Topics: Effort in relationships