We probably all know of that cousin or aunt who loves kids, and we kind of see the sadness in her eyes at kids’ birthday parties or baptisms but we don’t really know the depth of their pain. You may also notice how a co-worker lights up whenever other people talk about their children, but you are not certain as to why he/she has never had any. More commonly, you might have a friend who you hesitate to add to baby shower planning committees because you are afraid to make them feel a particular way – especially if you know they are trying to conceive.

We need to normalize not asking about people’s private reproductive choices regardless of how close you may be to someone. Unless someone brings the topic up with you, it’s none of your business whether they are trying for a baby or not. Besides, not everyone wants to have children while others have varying timelines regarding when they want to procreate. Leave women’s uteruses alone.

I once read an article about recurrent miscarriages and, shortly after this, I heard of a friend who was going through the same situation and I remember feeling an overwhelming level of sadness for her. I didn’t know what to say to my friend yet I felt like I needed to say something even though I was scared of saying the wrong thing. I later learnt that when it comes to miscarriages, it is okay not to say anything at all. Sometimes all your friend needs is for you to just be there for them as they navigate the pain and grief of their loss on their own. You can find that all they want to focus on is getting pregnant again and carrying the baby to full term.

When you first consult with a fertility specialist as to why you are not conceiving or carrying your pregnancy to full term, the specialist will give you all the possible information on available options for you and you might leave feeling hopeful that you can possibly conceive if you explore these options. Many specialists will commonly recommend solutions such as hormone therapy, fertility/ovulation boosters, tubal flashing or IVF depending on the cause of infertility. The sad part is that all of these treatments are pretty expensive.

Ever heard of recurring failed IVF? Imagine getting a quote for the IVF process, carrying out all the necessary steps to prepare for the process, going ahead to borrow money to make sure all the hefty costs are covered, and then eight weeks into the pregnancy, you lose the baby. It feels like someone just stabbed a knife through your chest.

Imagine logging into your Facebook account and landing on a story of someone who just threw a baby shower while a friend of yours complains to you that they don’t want to have kids right now but they just found out that they’re pregnant. Meanwhile, you’re rushing to the bathroom every hour to check whether your period has come as you pray that it doesn’t, but to your disappointment, your period does in fact arrive. You might ask yourself where you went wrong and why God is giving children to people who don’t  want them while you’re praying to conceive on a daily basis.

I know of someone who once quit her job because of the pressure she was facing for lack of a child. She got married in 2019 and happily invited her work colleague to the wedding. However, when she returned to work after her honeymoon, the indirect statements directed at her about whether she was pregnant or not bothered her. One colleague even said to her, “Did we eat your wedding food for nothing? Where is the baby?” Another man (a man!) said to her, “Your body is not changing; by now you should have changed”. Since when don’t men mind their own women? If you are ever faced with such harassment at work, inform your Human Resources Manager. It is unacceptable and uncalled for.

A fertility specialist I consulted with informed me that there has been a rise in secondary infertility. Many women have one or two children and then struggle for years to conceive another child. Please never tell these women statements like “at least you have one or two kids already.” This probably doesn’t console if their dream was to have a larger family. You might never understand the depth of their pain.

Society needs to extend grace to all women – and men too. Let people be. You might never understand the level of emotional and physical pain that infertility causes when you haven’t experienced it for yourself. Be kind to everyone around you because you never know what people are going through. And to close this off I’ll say: Let’s all just mind our own damn business.

Related Topics: Dealing with infertility, Living with infertility, What does infertility feel like?