I know this might be hard but, when your partner/spouse complains, try not to always get irritated and, instead, take the time to listen to the valuable information your partner is trying to put across. Complaints often reveal the key to our spouse’s inner longing for emotional connection and understanding. If you learn your partner’s primary love language and be considerate of it, chances are that you will have a happier spouse and a better relationship.

So how do you do this? Pay attention. During complaints, questions arise. It is through those questions that you would be able to determine what your spouse’s primary love language is.

Some examples:

Receiving gifts: “You mean you didn’t bring me anything? Did you even think about me while you were gone?”

Quality time: “We never spend any time with each other anymore. It’s like we are each living our own separate lives.”

Physical touch: “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I didn’t initiate it.”

Words of affirmation: “I can’t do anything right around here. All you ever do is criticize me. I can never please you.”

Act of service: “If you loved me, you would do something around here. You never lift a finger to help”

If you wish to discover what your spouse’s love language is, you have just been given a tip on how to listen to them so that you can better understand them. The key is perception. When the next fight comes up, try not to argue or look for a defense right away. Instead, take the time to listen. You will find that beneath the nagging and complaining, there is a message that your partner is trying to convey.

However, challenges to this might surface. Such as what if your spouse’s primary love language is something that isn’t easy for you to do? What if you’re not a touchy-feely person but your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch? The answer is simple though not necessarily easy: You learn to speak the language of physical touch. You learn to speak a new love language by simply trying.

I know it isn’t easy because you have to go out of your way to make sure you spot it, learn it and speak it. But, on the bright side, you’re working towards a healthy and lasting relationship. There is nothing better than being able to understand your partner and that is exactly what discovering their love language helps you do.

At first it might be very difficult but, as time goes on, it can get easier. You just need to put in the effort and be open to learning. Eventually, you can become proficient in speaking your partner’s love language and, if he or she reciprocates by speaking your language, the emotional bond in your relationship can strengthen.

Another challenge you might encounter is if your spouse isn’t willing to take the extra mile like you are when it comes to doing the work on your relationship. All you can really do is communicate as much as you can and play your part. If the other person is not willing to meet you halfway and work on your relationship, then there’s not much else you can do. You cannot force someone to change or to see things your way.

Gary Chapman, the author of the book The Five Love Languages, says that a full love tank creates a positive atmosphere in which you and your spouse can talk about your differences more easily and negotiate solutions to your conflicts. The hardest, coldest heart has the potential to melt when the person begins to receive love in their love language. Love is the most powerful weapon in the world for good. It can thaw the coldest of winters and bring the blossoms of spring to your marriage.

Related Topics: How to Know Your Partner’s Love Language, What Are Love Languages?,  Are Love Languages Important?