Before you roll your eyes and boo me off the stage, let me explain.

Growing up, most of us had an overly romanticized notion of what a long term relationship would look like. With this naive version of love, we knew that our partners would have simplistic flaws such as having the bad habit of leaving their towel on the bathroom floor after a shower or forgetting to pick up the items that we told them to get at the grocery store. Boy, were we in for a rude awakening.

By the time we got past the age of thirty, my girlfriends and I had experienced our fair share of heartbreak and emotional turmoil. We had entered relationships and marriages unprepared for the tough days that were ahead of us because no one had fully warned us. Rather, a lot of our aunts and mothers had made it seem like the more calm and emotionally stable we were, the easier our relationships would be. However, this turned out not to be the case.

When I look at the people who have been married for over 20 years and who  are in healthy relationships (because, let’s be honest, not a lot of them are), they often mention the hardships that they encountered throughout their journeys – whether those were infidelity, illnesses or growing apart at some point – and then explained that they later overcame their relationship hurdles.

Well, I have now learned a thing or two after being in a few tough relationships and situationships of my own. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that people are very complex. I mean…very complex. You cannot easily categorize people into “good” and “bad” columns because every person has their own inner struggles, flaws, weaknesses and, dare I say, bad side.

In order to be loved, a lot of people try to present the best side of themselves so that they are not judged. Then, these same people keep heavy secrets such as substance abuse, pornography addictions, serial cheating, and financial woes to themselves. People keep these secrets so they are not judged by their partners or so that their partners don’t leave them. What they don’t realize, however, is that when their partners discover these major secrets, they feel betrayed and angered and there is a high chance that the relationship would never be the same again.

For long term relationships to thrive, there has to be a high level of grace. Grace to understand that your partner might have deep dark flaws that you could never imagine. Grace to recognize that, when your partner’s secrets come to light, they will probably be overwhelmed with embarrassment and regret. You will find yourself forgiving things you never thought you would forgive. You will find yourself crying tears one moment and then, the next moment, you are trying to rationalize why your partner is the way that they are.

Whenever I complained to one of my cousins about the problems in one of my recent relationships, she would tell me, “Don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.” That is to say, don’t be so quick to leave one relationship in search of another as soon as you find out about a man’s flaws because you never know what flaws the next person you date will have.

Disclaimer: There are certain instances when it’s best to leave as soon as possible; such as when there is physical, emotional or verbal abuse. You need to discern how serious the issues are and act accordingly.

We need to approach relationships with love and a dose of realism on the side. The reason why long term marriages have lasted so long is because they continually chose to forgive each other and to accept each other as they continued to evolve.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it is the truth. True love cannot be sustained on fairytales and butterflies. It is carried on through hard work, commitment, forgiveness, and communication.

Related Topics: Are all relationships easy? How do I ensure that my relationship lasts long? Are relationships harder the longer you stay together?